Love Line

Today i talked to Dr. Drew on love line, along with some guys that i had never heard of.

i WANTED to say: "i'm really confused sexually right now, i need some resources or help-lines or something"

i said: "i think im addicted to masturbation"

....

yeaaaaaah.

so i got chewed out on live radio by some stranger for not telling my boyfriend that i want to use the vibe in the sack, and i didnt even say what i was calling about.

and i used a fake name.

GOD i'm such a pussy sometimes!!

mood: bad.


ALSO

my boyfriend was being really annoying tonight.

usually this doesnt bother me, i just play along and say "yes dear, you have the penis so you must be right"

but tonight i seriously wanted to scream at him.

this is NOT pms, i just got over that.

this is just general pissy-ness for no reason at all.

(the worst kind)

so tonight i go to bed tired, feeling sick, annoyed at my boyfriend, and angry at myself.

fan-fuckin-tastic.

mood: "why don't i just drive off a bridge already? oh yeah, the water would be reeeeeally cold." >.< too lazy for action.

thin, fat, old, young, sexy, plain, i have em all.

i just went through a lot of work hand-selecting pictures of girls from all over the Internet.

girls of all shapes, colors, sizes, and varieties.

i waded through all the porn,

and found about 25-30 pictures i wanted to use in a slide show on this blog.

i carefully edited each one.

this took me two days.

now,

blogger clearly doesn't actually want me to put up a slide show,

because it won't read ANY of my accounts with flikr, photobucket, etc.

(which i had to create just for this little project)

i am annoyed.

girls, girls, GIRLS

toxic, intoxicating,

exotic, infuriating,

chaotic, erotic,

hypnotic, neurotic,

PSYCHOTIC.


i'll be the FIRST to admit it,

girls are f*cking INSANE.

but GOD

are they pretty.


i am simply obsessed.

its getting a little out of hand, i gotta confess.

(fuck why am i rhyming EVERYTHING? i just wanted the first part to sound poetic)


i found out the other day that my best friend (soon to be married and lost forever)

her little sister is actually a hooker.

not in the sense that girls call other girls "whore" or "slut" or "ho"

in the she-actually-charges-for-sex-and-naked-pics kind of way.

so naturally,

my friend is DISTRAUGHT.

and her parents are totally shooting the messenger,

(my friend)

and she is in a very bad place at the moment.

now i have always held to the opinion that her sister is her own person,

and as stupid as she can be,

she makes her decisions and does what she does.

and hey, she dresses like a hooker.

(full on thong hanging out of miniskirt, black bra under white lace shirt, etc, sexy stuff really)

and she looks hot

so its socially acceptable.

and her parents just sort of accept it.

im NEVER having kids.


a guy i know, he and his GF are having a preggo scare.

they're 16 and 17.

bad news bears.

poor girl.

poor kid.

she'll probably abort it,

and i dont know how i feel about that.

i would do the same thing in her place,

but when it's her,

when it's poor, young, (mostly) innocent *sam?

i just want to make it so it never happened.

i want to help her

but i dont know how.

it's very frustrating.

and at the moment,

at this very second,

i love her

and her potential child

and if she asked me to,

i would raise it.

and i HATE kids.

but at this moment,

in this life,

this 3:00-a.m.-secret-blogging-on-my-couch life,

i almost WANT to adopt her potential child.

i do want to.

i don't know why,

and i sure as hell don't know HOW,

but i do.



*all names have been changed for privacy

suicide, work, and laptops.

i found out today that a guy my little brother knows killed himself last night.

which, shockingly, disturbs me.

i was thinking about suicide today.

not committing it, mind you, im far too busy for that.

just thinking about the act itself, what it means, why it happens,

all that silly "deep thinking" stuff

and i feel really bad for that poor kid.

but more so for his family

they must be in agonizing pain.


Work:

i have been here for a week without going home.

i am about to kill someone.

(i work at an inn, hence the not going home part)

i get so BORED.

however,

its better than being at home right now

cuz my family is so loving and wonderful that i hate them.

because when i was growing up,

they were fucking awful.

but my dad went through anger management and doesn't scare us shit-less anymore,

my mom lost 50 lbs and no longer takes her self-loathing out on us,

and my siblings are all around the same age and have actual things in common.


so home = the LAST place i would want to be,

except that work is.

ordinarily i just go to dennys or hang out with my friends,

but i cant DO that here.

i am starting to feel like a prisoner.

(the people running this wonderful establishment are currently out of state, which is why im here. someone has to look after the place)

i am blockbuster's number one customer.


also,

i just spent a ton of money getting my laptop up and running so that i can look at porn and watch my favorite TV shows online.

i think i have no life?

or maybe im addicted.

idk.

idc.

orgasms, exercise, and the girl of my dreams.

my boyfriend is getting fat.

not just chunky, chunky was six months ago and i didnt mind that

except that it made his sex drive plummet.

as gay as i am, i still need orgasms.

but now,

NOW

he has man titties.

I have done EVEYTHING

said EVERYTHING

short of "when are you gonna start working out you fat-ass?"

to encourage him to exercise.

I have started exercising,

which is awesome and gives me tons more energy during the day, btw.

and he is still just... lazy.

I have starting REALLY eating right,

not just dieting.

and he still drinks two sodas a day and eats a shit ton of junk food, and then just feels gross.

gross = no use to me.

i do NOT know what to do about this.

well that, and the fact that i met this girl.

actually, i ran into her, i already knew her from a few years back.

well,

she is the embodiment of everything i hate,

(drama, parties, potheads, jealousy, immaturity, etc)

wrapped up in something i can't help being hopelessly in like with.

(tattooed, pierced, the-coolest-hair-i've-ever-seen, smokin' hot, antisocial, deep thinking, bitch.)

sweet JE-sus i want her.

but,

she HAS a gf.

aaaaaaaand she thinks im straight.

in other news:

i have been having really troubling dreams lately.

cthulhu and pot.

what made me feel better?

well first off he (*joe) got his ass in gear and put together a wonderful couple of days full of activities and surprises for me to celebrate our one year.

second,

CTHULHU!

been playin call of cthulhu lately, and my detective is taking MAJOR sanity damage, but i'm feeling more and more relaxed...

and i google him when i get bored. he is NEVER boring.

in other news,

i just found out my baby brother is a pothead.

not like thats the worst thing ever,

i just thought he was better than that.

@potheads: i'd apologize for being offensive, but youd probably just say "no worries dude..." *eyeroll

AWFUL FUCKING DAY

im pissed.

today was mother's day.

yay. happy mother's day.

not the point.


today was my one year anniversary with the guy i left the last guy to be with.

he didn't even mention it until around 6pm when i did.

NOW.

subtlety: not my strong point.

so when i say that i did NOT just HOPE he would magically remember this date,

what i mean is

i put it in his phone,

talked about it,

made plans,

told him what i wanted (a card)

etc.

so when he doesn't so much as mention anything about it,

and scarcely says two words to me all day,

and then doesn't have some big surprise waiting for me,

im offended.

but i have been in a bad mood all day, so isolating myself from him has just made me feel lonely and angry.

obviously.

tragically,

the bigger problem is that im leaving him, i just dont know how to say it.

and i need an excuse.

hello excuse?

resentment; thy name is joe.

its not a good thing.

i have begun to really resent joe* for being such a great guy.

cuz i feel like a total ass knowing that im just going through the motions with him, and that it means nothing.

siiiiigh.

resentment; thy name is joe.

*names changed for privacy*

a story.

(i think in blurbs, which is why everything is so spaced out. i like to see my thoughts as they come, not all squished together as if they are all one big idea)

i am getting into comics lately.

mostly cuz i picked one up and just saw TONS of half-naked chicks fighting crime.

which i do not mind seeing.

im very particular about the artwork though,

i like beautiful drawings of MOSTLY proportionate (if a little ridiculous) girls who wear normal clothes and do normal stuff, but turn out to be totally bad-ass.


ANYWAYS

thats not the point.

the story is this:

my boyfriend went to get me a comic for "free comic book day" and i told him i wanted one with a badass chick protagonist.

so he brings me Catwoman.

not exactly what i was expecting, but hey.

later i found out that he brought me Catwoman, because the first one that was recommended to him looked really cool and hot, and then he saw that it was about lesbians.

apparently the guy at the store told him that it would make any girl go gay.

and he doesnt want "those ideas" getting into my head




(okay im about half-way through the spell check and i cant decide whether to correct everything - all the punctuation and slang - or leave it raw... just a thought.)



he knows that i've experimented in the past,

but i have him pretty convinced that his penis is god.

which was a technique i learned a long time ago about dealing with boys; (dont take that wrong, i've only had sex with two people in my life) make the guy think that he is THE SHIT at whatever it is that he does, and he will never leave you.

an easy way to get through relationships, up till now.

cuz he is never gonna leave me.

NEVER.

he's one of those guys who certainly won't propose right away, but once he has his mind set it's set for good.

his mind has been set on me since day one. its not bragging, its just what happened with him. i figured he was a nice quiet guy that my family would like, and we would be nicely inconspicuous.

but now im a little bit stuck. he wont leave me, so i'd have to leave him. but i cant leave him cuz im a wuss-puss.

so im 19 and i've got a ball and chain??

wtf's up with that?



THE END.

coming out.

reasons i cant do it:

My employers. --> yes, its illegal in Washington state to terminate an employee based on sexuality.

but im technically a volunteer. and i think my religious bosses can say whether or not they want lesbians volunteering at their business.


my boyfriend --> this guy is important to me. he is my best friend, he has been with me through a LOT. and he still sticks around for some reason. if i told him, idk what he'd do. and i really want him in my life.


my best friend --> she'd be pissed i never told her before, she'd wonder whether im attracted to her, (im not, she's not my type), our relationship would get all these weird gray areas about how close we can sit, whether we can still hold hands during scary movies, whether its weird to change in the same room, whether we can share a bed, etc. i think all those things are perfectly normal things for best friends to do, sexuality aside.

she may think differently.

GRANTED

for a christian, she is VERY accepting. and loving, and caring, and really everything jesus says they should be. so i respect that. and PROBABLY not a lot would change with us. but its still scary.


my ex --> this is stupid.

i know it is

but i left him for this guy im with now, and i was really kinda awful about it.

and then i accused HIM of being gay, because he had practically no interest in sex.

which is something i had always been led to believe guys had a HUGE interest in, and that it was impossible for a girl to want sex more than a guy.

(NOT true, i have discovered)

if he finds out (which he will) that i left the guy i left him for, to be GAY

first, he's gonna think we can be friends again. NOT. he is a DICK.

second, he's gonna think its the funniest fucking thing he's ever heard.

i cant do that to him or my boyfriend.


god


thats so stupid.

but people go their entire lives being closeted, and they make it work.

so i can, right??


i told my best gay-friend that im gay, and now he's trying to help me come out to everyone.

which is putting this stuff in the front of my mind lately.

i wish there was just some kind of easy way to do it.

maybe i'll just buy a shirt that says "no one knows im gay"

PARENTS.

hate 'em.

love 'em,

but REALLY hate 'em sometimes.

they won't leave me alone.

yeah, its their job,

but it makes me want to blow my brains out.

ALL OVER THEIR BEDROOM.

if you think that may be excessively violent,

you haven't met them.

bible-thumping,

gay-bashing,

idiotic,

hypocritical,

self-righteous,

never-done-a-thing-wrong-in-our-entire-lives-that-matters,

douche bags.

yes, i sound like a child.

im 19.

and im a bitter, angry, closet lesbian.