Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Court dates and porn.

Court dates: lately i have had WAY too many of those.

recently my parents decided to tell me that they know all about them, and will be attending when they can.


(suspended drivers license for unpaid ticket, and got caught shoplifting, two separate days but the court dates are all happening around the same time)


when i was 11 i was in an art show, because i was freaking good for an 11 year old. (I'm still pretty artsy but i lost my taste for drawing when i discovered music, then lost my taste for music when i discovered paint, lost my taste for painting when i got three jobs, etc)

My dad never ONCE came to any of my shows.

he showed up every couple hours to set up or take down the displays,

but he didn't sit with me.

he took my brothers to do "boy stuff" (they were 9 at the time) and left me with my mom or grandparents.

now he swears he's gonna take time off work to go to all my court dates.


I'm a little bitter about this.

am i wrong?

i mean he can't take a day off work to come see my art show, but he requests time off so that he can just add to the shame and embarrassment of my court date??

i think that just sucks.

but hey, I'm really overly bitter about family stuff. even i know that.

PORN: again, lately i have been way too into it, probably because i got a new vibrator and laptop.

that's really all i have to say about that one.


but seriously.

i can orgasm 8 times in 10 minutes.

why waste that kind of skill?

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Cute girls, cynicism, and facebook stalking

here's how it works:

I see tons of people every day.

some of them are men, some of them are women.

some people are beautiful,

some people maybe aren't so much.

just like other people, i have a "type".

i don't just get wet every time i see a "hot chick"

(i do check them out though).

i appreciate beautiful things,

which is fine,

but she has to appeal to parts of me NORTH of the border.

mentally, for instance.

i like smart girls. witty, funny ones, who have easy smiles and nice hair.


in real life, i hate it.

its annoying, its a waste of time, its a privacy violation that everyone bends over and takes.


there's a girl.

so now im on facebook every two seconds, updating things, basically trying to appear on her news stream.

which is stupid.

and embarrassing.

and annoying.

but she seriously is the second girl i've ever met who just fits. her sense of humor, her laid-back attitude, her perfectly messy hair, im infatuated.

unfortunately im a cynic, so infatuation is really fucking annoying.

Another thing: I'm no cheater.

Just because I'm dating the wrong gender doesn't mean I'm gonna use that as an excuse to get greedy.

I may be a liar but I'm very devoted to keeping it up.



Lately this whole closet thing hasn't been cutting it.

Which is why i started this stupid blog.

let me make this VERY clear.

in real life,


if anyone actually thinks that other people give a shit about their stupid opinions, they're wrong.


keeping my lesbian side a secret has gotten to be such a burden that today when my Starbucks barista asked me how my day was going, i almost said "oh I'm gay. how's your day?"

Which is just the sort of thing to make straight girls get all awkward.

so instead of screaming at random men who look at me twice or guys who are friendly in the grocery store, i have started an Internet diary under a fake name with fake information so i can vent.

I think it's working :)

Monday, April 26, 2010

1st thing's first

I am 19. I have known I am gay since I was in 3rd grade.

Tragically I am the ONLY person who knows.

I can't come out for about 3 reasons.

1) My family: Christians. They would disown me. They would cry about it every night and "pray the gay away", which is just too painful for me to think about, let alone deal with.

2) My friends: Probably wouldn't disown me. In fact, they probably at least suspect I'm not aaaaaall the way straight. However, if they really knew, things would get a bit weird. Most of them are homophobic, and while my guy friends would love to have a cool lesbian friend, my lady friends would be less than stoked.

Aaaand the third and most important reason:

3) MY BOYFRIEND. Usually this would not be a problem. But we've been going out for almost a year, and he's talking about forever. I love him. My family loves him. My friends love him.

Now I am the happiest with him that I will ever be with a man, I know that for sure.