GIRLS!

SEXploits! threesomes, virgins, players.

2011-11-09T23:11:00.000-08:00

I've decided to start a sex blog. Because in the last 5 months my life has gone from crazy fantasies to realities I could never dream of, and someone should document that shit!

Five months ago I'd had sex with two people, both male, both in a relationship with me during our respective times together (and honestly overlapping a little). Today I'm aching everywhere imagineable after an extended weekend of nonstop sex with multiple partners, frequently multiples at a time. I'm famous at the corner pub I've never even been to, because they can hear my (BRAND NEW) girlfriend and I fucking from that far away.

Let's just recap my 2011 real fast.

January-June: Working at a B&B for conservative christian folks, considering breaking up with my boyfriend because i hated him, spending a lot of time in the NSA W4W section of good ol' craigslist.

June-September: I found a craigslist post titled "cute boi something something something" which mentioned that she liked to be dominant and take the lead, and i'd been dating guys with bigger pussys than mine so no one had ever been as forceful or dominant as i wanted, so i was really excited to experience it. I started emailing her, then texting. We hit it off right away. From the minute we started texting i knew i wanted to be in her life forever no matter what the context. We went to the beach for a picnic and just talked and talked for hours, we were gonna get sushi but she had to leave early due to her girlfriend. she dropped me at my parents house so we couldnt kiss but i did get a hug and enjoyed a lot of eye-fucking her in her bikini. She has AMAZING tattoos.

     The second time we met i invited her to a last-minute concert for Airborne Toxic Event. Her girlfriend "sugar" dropped her off and we were both wearing red pants and black shirts. Sugar said "how serendipitious" and i wanted to kiss miss kitty right there. Luckily i resisted, i didn't know sugar and kitty were going out. The concert was amazing and we both looked super sexy, we finally got to kiss and she touched me a little during the show, between the concert and the new exciting feelings i was going insane! The end of the night we dropped her off and she and i got to make out for a few minutes :)

     The third time we got together she came to my work and we spent some time in the hot tub, making out and groping until we couldn't stand it and moved to the couch for fucking. I threw a towel over the window so no one would walk by and see us and we got right to making out. she got on top of me and started touching me over my clothes, pulling my hair a little and biting at my neck and ears. clothes started coming off and we spent an hour or two just enjoying each other's bodies. she figured out how to make me cum really quick so we had a great time right off the bat ;)

     We started hanging out pretty regularly, and it was fun and exciting to be with her. we were both doing something naughty and that just made it even more exciting. we bought sex toys and experimented with light bondage, then heavy bondage, whipping, nipple clamps, hot wax, ice cubes, gagging, choking, blindfolds, everything we can get our hands on really. We've spent countless nights in dirty motel rooms, gotten noise complaints from our mistress/slut role plays, we've gotten straight girls to come home with us (best organic threesomes ever), we've fucked guys and then never talked to them again, we're straight up players and we're LOVING it!

September-today: 5 months after meeting her i've broken up with my boyfriend and promised myself to miss kitty for eternity and i've never been happier. we still live like total players and if we could be having ANY more fun than we are right now we'd just die! We're going to VEGAS in the winter, maybe you'll see us there ;)

that's all for now, i'm pretty fuckin stoned.

That's right folks; it's a boyfriend post.

2011-02-28T14:33:00.000-08:00

I'm actually NOT recommending a restaurant for dinner based solely on the fact that the reviews, good and bad alike, all reference how nice, pretty, and friendly the waitresses are.

Here's why: he has a history of mentioning how hot the waitress is when we go out, and sometimes makes jokes about getting her number.

This pisses me off. In fact, more than just pissing me off it really BOTHERS me. He is constantly going on about how much he needs me and how he can't live without me, but then makes snide little comments about our hot waitresses that make me feel like I'll never be able to live up to his standards physically. I left the guy I was with before (the guy who practically worshipped me as a goddess,) to be with this ass hole, and when he does stuff like that I honestly wonder why.

Wish me luck, we are gonna need it.

3 things you won't know till you read them:

2011-01-19T20:11:00.000-08:00

1) i met someone that i think i'm going to like! (she is 26, super cute and friendly, and likes to drink tea)

2) we are hanging out next week! (she has a projector in her house for BIG SCREEN movies!)

3) last night i hung out naked in my private hot tub!! (it was very nice)

that is all.

Something I do a lot:

2011-01-11T01:07:00.000-08:00

Contemplate suicide.

I think about ways to do it. And there are a LOT of ways.

I think about reasons to do it.

I think about when to do it.

I think I eventually will do it.

About that last post...

2011-01-09T20:31:00.000-08:00

I'm feeling much better today and that bit about the scene kids seems rather juvenile. So, I'm sorry.

But I still hate kids.

In other news, today I broke a vibrator. IN HALF.

That is a first for me.

Three things that make me want to bomb a high school.

2010-12-07T20:55:00.000-08:00

1) Scene kids. They are the new stoners and actually make stoners look intelligent and cool. These kids are as stupid as they are brightly-colored and loud, and the streets are full of them lately. I'm not sure what the idea is behind dressing like a group of carebears threw up on you, but I'd be happy to add to the look.

2) Okay so picking on the scene kids wasn't nice, sorry kiddies. Let's just say, for good measure, I hate all high schoolers. In fact, I don't even consider them real people. They're full of silliness and nonsense and have egos the size of Texas. They don't have real feelings, they only have overblown and destructive versions of the ones fully-developed adults have. Also, they aren't very nice, and they aren't very smart, which brings me nicely around to my third reason:

3) Children are complete idiots. If you have ever been through driver's ed, you know what I mean. Anyone with an iq less than that of a gerbil and a mouth larger than the Mississippi river's by the time they're 16 should be put down. Humanely, or not, it doesn't really matter. These people are society's dead weight, the reason the economy is failing, the poor lame animals that slow down the pack, and I say, let natural selection do her job. She is an artist of much skill and merit and her brush paints a brighter horizon for us all.

In other news, I am feeling hateful today.

poetry night

2010-10-23T11:38:00.000-07:00

at poetry night, i read two pieces. this is one:

Ten simple things i wish i'd said better:

10. I want you

9. I need you

8. I love you

7. It's fine

6. I'm fine

5. I'll survive

4. I don't know

3. I'm sorry

2. I hate you

1. Just go.

After poetry night, my best friend and i went to the store and bought:

hummus.

and pita chips.

our conversation went something like this:
me: "you do realize what we've become, right?"

him: "... what?"

me: "we just became WRITERS. we bought hummus and pita chips after going to poetry night."

him: "oh shit. now i'm gonna go home and put on a really cheesy comedy just to balance it out."

me: "oh, i was hoping you'd come over and finish the prestige with me and then we can watch some really artistic movie and discuss it in hushed tones over our hummus."

him: "that sounds awesome" *smile*

i desperately wish i was attracted to this man sometimes.

girl adventures:

2010-10-19T21:11:00.001-07:00

"i totally like you in a gay way"

that is all

*ecstacy*

world of warcraft.

2010-06-28T22:29:00.000-07:00

so i dated someone who was seriously into WoW.

as in, it would be his career if it could be.

now, during our time together

he made it VERY clear that he was just with me till a better offer came along.

and that wow was way more important than "us"

soooooo

naturally this meant two things

1) he's a dick.

and 2) our relationship was purely for sexual gratification.

so a few months later, i dumped his sorry boring ass cuz i was completely SICK of feeling like a piece of furniture.

a year plus later, and he still thinks he's in love with me.

he is wrong.

his true love will always be wow.

today, i was texing him out of boredom

he said he could only text me occasionally cuz he was raiding

so i said that occasionally meant i couldnt rely on him for a steady stream of entertainment.

he says "come watch?"

aaaah just like the good old days.

NOT.

so i said "no thanks, im content sitting in a restaurant by myself"

what i wanted to say was:

"i'd rather die alone than spend one more second of my life being ignored for a stupid computer game. fortunately for me i'm pretty enough to never be alone, so fuck you loser."

that or

"oh just like the good old days... oh wait i dumped you for that."

im too fucking nice sometimes.

i really wish i HAD said that.

ah well

thats life i suppose.

mood: depressed.

what to do, what to do, what to do?

2010-06-23T22:45:00.001-07:00

i am having some issues.

(as usual)

1) my ex.

he says stuff that just GETS to me.

i hate that.

2) my body.

it reacts to certain people in very...

uncomfortable ways.

inconvenient ways.

example:

pure,

carnal,

animal,

Lust.

in the middle of the grocery store.

there is a time and a place for everything, and that is not the time or place to be getting all hot n' ready.

3) another ex.

a pseudo ex really,

an ex girlfriend

of sorts.

she totally hates me.

and its driving me crazy!

idk why it's bothering me so much, but it really eats at me that the one girl i shared that connection with won't even talk to me.

the awful part:

we "fell in love" while we were both dating the same guy.

yeah.

that's right.

4) there's this girl.

(a different girl)

she is the very last person on earth who would ever even consider me,

and she is wonderful.

an old friend.

someone i've always fancied, but never had a chance with.

and she wants to hang out and "catch up"

im going to die.

its going to kill me.

mood: distracted.

EXs, instant messenger, and vodka.

2010-06-22T18:54:00.000-07:00

the ex.

we talk sometimes

lately.

usually when he's been drinking.

which he does a LOT of, apparently.

instant messenger.

probably the 2nd bane of my existence.

(next to this stupid dog im taking care of. i am NOT a dog person.)

i love IMing

its fun

and it requires little or no effort.

but i hate how easily things get out of hand...

vodka.

a wonderful and terrible thing

which my ex likes to drink a lot.

the perfect storm.

all three combined = very no.

we laughed, we cried, (okay probably just he cried)

things got really awkward

he got bitter

and then sweet

and i tried not to encourage him

*"tried" being the operative word here

and ultimately, i learned something.

dont IM drunk ex boyfriends unless you want to spend the entire night peeping through your fingertips completely terrified of what mortifying thing he's gonna say next.

examples:

"you have 'stupidly-cute' in spades"

"you're a cunt"

"to be completely honest i want to club you like a baby seal and impregnate you behind the middle school"

"if you were with me you'd be home"

(referencing an Owl City song that i love)

out of context, they're bad enough

in context, i basically had no clue how to react.

which is why messenger is wonderful

cuz all he saw was "lol"

ke$ha, wild streak, and my baby sister

2010-06-19T23:00:00.000-07:00

so apparently i have a bit of a wild streak lately.

cuz i hear ke$ha's (her music is a guilty pleasure) stupid songs about waking up still drunk from the night before,

and partying

and dancing

and telling guys to shut up cuz "im in love with this song"

and im just like

goddammit i wish i was her.

(for her party life, not her career. i usually like my career)

HOWEVER

my little sister

my BABY sister

(okay she's 14 or something)

was singing "tik tok"

and dancing to it...

i wanted to slit my wrists right there.

im like

"SWEETJESUSGIRLDOYOUKNOWWHATSHESAYSTHERE??DOYOUKNOWWHAT
THATMEANS?!STOPIT!!"

now,

ke$ha is a sexy bitch.

im definitely a (secret) fan and i have nothing against her personally, musically, artistically, or whatever.

but GOD.

i never want to hear her lyrics come out of my little sister's mouth again.

cuz that just makes me feel awful for even liking Ke$ha in the first place.

uuuuuuuuuuuuugh.

in other news, my ex has been talking to me.

we manage to be very civil

which is shocking.

cuz we are the two most bitter people on the planet.

i think we might actually enjoy talking to each other...

not really sure though.

cuz i only want to talk to him when my boyfriend isnt talking to me.

i am a terrible person probably.

this summer

2010-06-19T22:51:00.000-07:00

sucks so far.

parties, tequila, and rockband.

2010-06-12T23:50:00.000-07:00

an AWESOME combination.

i had about 8 ounces of tequila tonight, and a glass of rum.

my fingers keep lagging lol makes it difficult to type

feeeeeels good though

also found out that when im drunk im a real ass to my boyfriend.

go figure.

"do YOU have pride?"

2010-06-11T00:37:00.000-07:00

that's the title of the email i received today from my friendly neighborhood planned parenthood clinic.

...

(the whole CLOSET lesbian thing comes into play here)

...

it gets worse.

of course the famous pride parades of Seattle and Olympia are coming up in a few short weeks.

the email went on to explain that i could,

if i so desired,

partake in a "pride parade planning party"

and meet fellow LGQTB's like myself

so I'm left wondering

(first of, how does my doctor know about this?)

but mostly, what would it feel like to go to one of these parades?

and maybe meet a nice girl

with awesome hair

who totally understands me

and we could lay in bed together for hours just talking and enjoying the feel of each other's skin

and i could bring her home to meet my conservative-christian-Nazi-parents

and my boyfriend

and my employers

and that's when reality hits.

and i actually die a little bit inside.

:(

mood: goddammit.

lesbian blogs, work, and moving in together??

2010-06-09T01:47:00.000-07:00

im a little anxious to get to the third thing on my list there, so i miiiiight rush through the first two.

lesbian blogs:

i looked up lesbian blogs on google today.

i read a lot of them,

and i liked approximately 3.5 of them.

so if you're reading this because i commented on your blog, wooooooooot. feel special.

no one in the entire world has read this that i can tell, which is sort of fine with me because i like privacy.

i know what youre thinking (you imaginary readers you)

"why the hell would you start a blog if you like privacy? and more importantly when you are, in fact, borderline violently-opposed to the internet?"

you know me so well ;)

because i feel like since no one knows this identity i have made for myself, there's no risk to my real-life privacy.

WORK

too much and too little all at once.

and my boss's husband is a DICK.

its like he TRIES to live up to every negative stereotype about men.

and he hits on me when his wife isnt around.

which makes me want to kill myself.

(not in the "call a doctor cuz i'll be bleeding out before you finish dialing" way, in the "god relationships are so pointless if they all end up like this" kind of way.)

MOVING IN TOGETHER??

my boyfriend is getting his own place.

and he asked me to move in with him.

now,

due to our busy schedules,

our late-night/early-morning routines,

and our families,

(aaaaand the fact that im not really attracted to him sexually)

we almost never have sex.

i think if we moved in together, he would expect that to change.

now, when i say we almost never have sex, i mean almost never by MY standards.

which means we do it twice a week or so, and he gets his hands in my panties at least every day.

i was diagnosed with hypersexuality, its not my fault.

but i seriously need to orgasm like 8-10 times a day.

now since most of this is by myself with my handy vibe and lap top full of steamy love scenes and porn,

its all good.

but if we move in together, i am pretty sure my big purple penis-shaped vibe would NOT get to share our bed. (the penis-shaped part is because its hard to find one that meets my specifacations that ISNT big and penis shaped. and the whole "having another penis in bed, AND it can vibrate" thing doesnt sit well with my boyfriend)

soooo

naturally i am worried.

"well then say no"

you would say.

if you read this

perhaps.

and i would say no,

except that i REALLY WANT TO MOVE OUT OF MY PARENTS HOUSE

and 150 a month is a sweet deal no matter who you are.

and hey,

maybe it'll just work out?

besides, he really needs to move out.

24 and living at home is just kinda sad.

im only 19 and i've moved out three times already.

...

of course, im back now,

but thats because some unavoidable things happened with my parents, then with my roomates, then with my parents again, then again with the guy i was shacked up with, and then my other roomate, etc.

so moving out has not been lucky for me.

but this place looks really promising, and he and i already talked about how we would still like our privacy every once in a while, and its not even a done deal yet, so im not gonna worry too hard for another couple of weeks.

whats more important to me now is getting car insurance.

guess what?

after all that hype,

geico is cheapest.

and no, they do not pay me to say that.

cuz like i said,

no one reads this anyways.

Love Line

2010-05-31T23:58:00.000-07:00

Today i talked to Dr. Drew on love line, along with some guys that i had never heard of.

i WANTED to say: "i'm really confused sexually right now, i need some resources or help-lines or something"

i said: "i think im addicted to masturbation"

....

yeaaaaaah.

so i got chewed out on live radio by some stranger for not telling my boyfriend that i want to use the vibe in the sack, and i didnt even say what i was calling about.

and i used a fake name.

GOD i'm such a pussy sometimes!!

mood: bad.

ALSO

my boyfriend was being really annoying tonight.

usually this doesnt bother me, i just play along and say "yes dear, you have the penis so you must be right"

but tonight i seriously wanted to scream at him.

this is NOT pms, i just got over that.

this is just general pissy-ness for no reason at all.

(the worst kind)

so tonight i go to bed tired, feeling sick, annoyed at my boyfriend, and angry at myself.

fan-fuckin-tastic.

mood: "why don't i just drive off a bridge already? oh yeah, the water would be reeeeeally cold." >.< too lazy for action.

thin, fat, old, young, sexy, plain, i have em all.

2010-05-29T03:35:00.000-07:00

i just went through a lot of work hand-selecting pictures of girls from all over the Internet.

girls of all shapes, colors, sizes, and varieties.

i waded through all the porn,

and found about 25-30 pictures i wanted to use in a slide show on this blog.

i carefully edited each one.

this took me two days.

now,

blogger clearly doesn't actually want me to put up a slide show,

because it won't read ANY of my accounts with flikr, photobucket, etc.

(which i had to create just for this little project)

i am annoyed.

girls, girls, GIRLS

2010-05-28T02:27:00.000-07:00

toxic, intoxicating,

exotic, infuriating,

chaotic, erotic,

hypnotic, neurotic,

PSYCHOTIC.

i'll be the FIRST to admit it,

girls are f*cking INSANE.

but GOD

are they pretty.

i am simply obsessed.

its getting a little out of hand, i gotta confess.

(fuck why am i rhyming EVERYTHING? i just wanted the first part to sound poetic)

i found out the other day that my best friend (soon to be married and lost forever)

her little sister is actually a hooker.

not in the sense that girls call other girls "whore" or "slut" or "ho"

in the she-actually-charges-for-sex-and-naked-pics kind of way.

so naturally,

my friend is DISTRAUGHT.

and her parents are totally shooting the messenger,

(my friend)

and she is in a very bad place at the moment.

now i have always held to the opinion that her sister is her own person,

and as stupid as she can be,

she makes her decisions and does what she does.

and hey, she dresses like a hooker.

(full on thong hanging out of miniskirt, black bra under white lace shirt, etc, sexy stuff really)

and she looks hot

so its socially acceptable.

and her parents just sort of accept it.

im NEVER having kids.

a guy i know, he and his GF are having a preggo scare.

they're 16 and 17.

bad news bears.

poor girl.

poor kid.

she'll probably abort it,

and i dont know how i feel about that.

i would do the same thing in her place,

but when it's her,

when it's poor, young, (mostly) innocent *sam?

i just want to make it so it never happened.

i want to help her

but i dont know how.

it's very frustrating.

and at the moment,

at this very second,

i love her

and her potential child

and if she asked me to,

i would raise it.

and i HATE kids.

but at this moment,

in this life,

this 3:00-a.m.-secret-blogging-on-my-couch life,

i almost WANT to adopt her potential child.

i do want to.

i don't know why,

and i sure as hell don't know HOW,

but i do.

*all names have been changed for privacy

suicide, work, and laptops.

2010-05-24T20:26:00.000-07:00

i found out today that a guy my little brother knows killed himself last night.

which, shockingly, disturbs me.

i was thinking about suicide today.

not committing it, mind you, im far too busy for that.

just thinking about the act itself, what it means, why it happens,

all that silly "deep thinking" stuff

and i feel really bad for that poor kid.

but more so for his family

they must be in agonizing pain.

Work:

i have been here for a week without going home.

i am about to kill someone.

(i work at an inn, hence the not going home part)

i get so BORED.

however,

its better than being at home right now

cuz my family is so loving and wonderful that i hate them.

because when i was growing up,

they were fucking awful.

but my dad went through anger management and doesn't scare us shit-less anymore,

my mom lost 50 lbs and no longer takes her self-loathing out on us,

and my siblings are all around the same age and have actual things in common.

so home = the LAST place i would want to be,

except that work is.

ordinarily i just go to dennys or hang out with my friends,

but i cant DO that here.

i am starting to feel like a prisoner.

(the people running this wonderful establishment are currently out of state, which is why im here. someone has to look after the place)

i am blockbuster's number one customer.

also,

i just spent a ton of money getting my laptop up and running so that i can look at porn and watch my favorite TV shows online.

i think i have no life?

or maybe im addicted.

idk.

idc.

orgasms, exercise, and the girl of my dreams.

2010-05-16T10:50:00.000-07:00

my boyfriend is getting fat.

not just chunky, chunky was six months ago and i didnt mind that

except that it made his sex drive plummet.

as gay as i am, i still need orgasms.

but now,

NOW

he has man titties.

I have done EVEYTHING

said EVERYTHING

short of "when are you gonna start working out you fat-ass?"

to encourage him to exercise.

I have started exercising,

which is awesome and gives me tons more energy during the day, btw.

and he is still just... lazy.

I have starting REALLY eating right,

not just dieting.

and he still drinks two sodas a day and eats a shit ton of junk food, and then just feels gross.

gross = no use to me.

i do NOT know what to do about this.

well that, and the fact that i met this girl.

actually, i ran into her, i already knew her from a few years back.

well,

she is the embodiment of everything i hate,

(drama, parties, potheads, jealousy, immaturity, etc)

wrapped up in something i can't help being hopelessly in like with.

(tattooed, pierced, the-coolest-hair-i've-ever-seen, smokin' hot, antisocial, deep thinking, bitch.)

sweet JE-sus i want her.

but,

she HAS a gf.

aaaaaaaand she thinks im straight.

in other news:

i have been having really troubling dreams lately.

cthulhu and pot.

2010-05-13T02:17:00.000-07:00

what made me feel better?

well first off he (*joe) got his ass in gear and put together a wonderful couple of days full of activities and surprises for me to celebrate our one year.

second,

CTHULHU!

been playin call of cthulhu lately, and my detective is taking MAJOR sanity damage, but i'm feeling more and more relaxed...

and i google him when i get bored. he is NEVER boring.

in other news,

i just found out my baby brother is a pothead.

not like thats the worst thing ever,

i just thought he was better than that.

@potheads: i'd apologize for being offensive, but youd probably just say "no worries dude..." *eyeroll

AWFUL FUCKING DAY

2010-05-09T22:09:00.000-07:00

im pissed.

today was mother's day.

yay. happy mother's day.

not the point.

today was my one year anniversary with the guy i left the last guy to be with.

he didn't even mention it until around 6pm when i did.

NOW.

subtlety: not my strong point.

so when i say that i did NOT just HOPE he would magically remember this date,

what i mean is

i put it in his phone,

talked about it,

made plans,

told him what i wanted (a card)

etc.

so when he doesn't so much as mention anything about it,

and scarcely says two words to me all day,

and then doesn't have some big surprise waiting for me,

im offended.

but i have been in a bad mood all day, so isolating myself from him has just made me feel lonely and angry.

obviously.

tragically,

the bigger problem is that im leaving him, i just dont know how to say it.

and i need an excuse.

hello excuse?

resentment; thy name is joe.

2010-05-06T22:19:00.000-07:00

its not a good thing.

i have begun to really resent joe* for being such a great guy.

cuz i feel like a total ass knowing that im just going through the motions with him, and that it means nothing.

siiiiigh.

resentment; thy name is joe.

*names changed for privacy*

a story.

2010-05-04T00:02:00.000-07:00

(i think in blurbs, which is why everything is so spaced out. i like to see my thoughts as they come, not all squished together as if they are all one big idea)

i am getting into comics lately.

mostly cuz i picked one up and just saw TONS of half-naked chicks fighting crime.

which i do not mind seeing.

im very particular about the artwork though,

i like beautiful drawings of MOSTLY proportionate (if a little ridiculous) girls who wear normal clothes and do normal stuff, but turn out to be totally bad-ass.

ANYWAYS

thats not the point.

the story is this:

my boyfriend went to get me a comic for "free comic book day" and i told him i wanted one with a badass chick protagonist.

so he brings me Catwoman.

not exactly what i was expecting, but hey.

later i found out that he brought me Catwoman, because the first one that was recommended to him looked really cool and hot, and then he saw that it was about lesbians.

apparently the guy at the store told him that it would make any girl go gay.

and he doesnt want "those ideas" getting into my head

(okay im about half-way through the spell check and i cant decide whether to correct everything - all the punctuation and slang - or leave it raw... just a thought.)

he knows that i've experimented in the past,

but i have him pretty convinced that his penis is god.

which was a technique i learned a long time ago about dealing with boys; (dont take that wrong, i've only had sex with two people in my life) make the guy think that he is THE SHIT at whatever it is that he does, and he will never leave you.

an easy way to get through relationships, up till now.

cuz he is never gonna leave me.

NEVER.

he's one of those guys who certainly won't propose right away, but once he has his mind set it's set for good.

his mind has been set on me since day one. its not bragging, its just what happened with him. i figured he was a nice quiet guy that my family would like, and we would be nicely inconspicuous.

but now im a little bit stuck. he wont leave me, so i'd have to leave him. but i cant leave him cuz im a wuss-puss.

so im 19 and i've got a ball and chain??

wtf's up with that?

THE END.

coming out.

2010-05-03T23:47:00.000-07:00

reasons i cant do it:

My employers. --> yes, its illegal in Washington state to terminate an employee based on sexuality.

but im technically a volunteer. and i think my religious bosses can say whether or not they want lesbians volunteering at their business.

my boyfriend --> this guy is important to me. he is my best friend, he has been with me through a LOT. and he still sticks around for some reason. if i told him, idk what he'd do. and i really want him in my life.

my best friend --> she'd be pissed i never told her before, she'd wonder whether im attracted to her, (im not, she's not my type), our relationship would get all these weird gray areas about how close we can sit, whether we can still hold hands during scary movies, whether its weird to change in the same room, whether we can share a bed, etc. i think all those things are perfectly normal things for best friends to do, sexuality aside.

she may think differently.

GRANTED

for a christian, she is VERY accepting. and loving, and caring, and really everything jesus says they should be. so i respect that. and PROBABLY not a lot would change with us. but its still scary.

my ex --> this is stupid.

i know it is

but i left him for this guy im with now, and i was really kinda awful about it.

and then i accused HIM of being gay, because he had practically no interest in sex.

which is something i had always been led to believe guys had a HUGE interest in, and that it was impossible for a girl to want sex more than a guy.

(NOT true, i have discovered)

if he finds out (which he will) that i left the guy i left him for, to be GAY

first, he's gonna think we can be friends again. NOT. he is a DICK.

second, he's gonna think its the funniest fucking thing he's ever heard.

i cant do that to him or my boyfriend.

god

thats so stupid.

but people go their entire lives being closeted, and they make it work.

so i can, right??

i told my best gay-friend that im gay, and now he's trying to help me come out to everyone.

which is putting this stuff in the front of my mind lately.

i wish there was just some kind of easy way to do it.

maybe i'll just buy a shirt that says "no one knows im gay"

PARENTS.

2010-05-02T01:20:00.001-07:00

hate 'em.

love 'em,

but REALLY hate 'em sometimes.

they won't leave me alone.

yeah, its their job,

but it makes me want to blow my brains out.

ALL OVER THEIR BEDROOM.

if you think that may be excessively violent,

you haven't met them.

bible-thumping,

gay-bashing,

idiotic,

hypocritical,

self-righteous,

never-done-a-thing-wrong-in-our-entire-lives-that-matters,

douche bags.

yes, i sound like a child.

im 19.

and im a bitter, angry, closet lesbian.

Court dates and porn.

2010-04-28T21:57:00.000-07:00

Court dates: lately i have had WAY too many of those.

recently my parents decided to tell me that they know all about them, and will be attending when they can.

Yikes.

(suspended drivers license for unpaid ticket, and got caught shoplifting, two separate days but the court dates are all happening around the same time)

WELL.

when i was 11 i was in an art show, because i was freaking good for an 11 year old. (I'm still pretty artsy but i lost my taste for drawing when i discovered music, then lost my taste for music when i discovered paint, lost my taste for painting when i got three jobs, etc)

My dad never ONCE came to any of my shows.

he showed up every couple hours to set up or take down the displays,

but he didn't sit with me.

he took my brothers to do "boy stuff" (they were 9 at the time) and left me with my mom or grandparents.

now he swears he's gonna take time off work to go to all my court dates.

HA.

I'm a little bitter about this.

am i wrong?

i mean he can't take a day off work to come see my art show, but he requests time off so that he can just add to the shame and embarrassment of my court date??

i think that just sucks.

but hey, I'm really overly bitter about family stuff. even i know that.

PORN: again, lately i have been way too into it, probably because i got a new vibrator and laptop.

that's really all i have to say about that one.

...

but seriously.

i can orgasm 8 times in 10 minutes.

why waste that kind of skill?

Cute girls, cynicism, and facebook stalking

2010-04-27T17:23:00.000-07:00

here's how it works:

I see tons of people every day.

some of them are men, some of them are women.

some people are beautiful,

some people maybe aren't so much.

just like other people, i have a "type".

i don't just get wet every time i see a "hot chick"

(i do check them out though).

i appreciate beautiful things,

which is fine,

but she has to appeal to parts of me NORTH of the border.

mentally, for instance.

i like smart girls. witty, funny ones, who have easy smiles and nice hair.

Facebook:

in real life, i hate it.

its annoying, its a waste of time, its a privacy violation that everyone bends over and takes.

HOWEVER,

there's a girl.

so now im on facebook every two seconds, updating things, basically trying to appear on her news stream.

which is stupid.

and embarrassing.

and annoying.

but she seriously is the second girl i've ever met who just fits. her sense of humor, her laid-back attitude, her perfectly messy hair, im infatuated.

unfortunately im a cynic, so infatuation is really fucking annoying.

Another thing: I'm no cheater.

Just because I'm dating the wrong gender doesn't mean I'm gonna use that as an excuse to get greedy.

I may be a liar but I'm very devoted to keeping it up.

Baristas.

2010-04-27T00:17:00.000-07:00

SO.

Lately this whole closet thing hasn't been cutting it.

Which is why i started this stupid blog.

let me make this VERY clear.

in real life,

I HATE BLOGS.

if anyone actually thinks that other people give a shit about their stupid opinions, they're wrong.

STILL

keeping my lesbian side a secret has gotten to be such a burden that today when my Starbucks barista asked me how my day was going, i almost said "oh I'm gay. how's your day?"

Which is just the sort of thing to make straight girls get all awkward.

so instead of screaming at random men who look at me twice or guys who are friendly in the grocery store, i have started an Internet diary under a fake name with fake information so i can vent.

I think it's working :)

1st thing's first

2010-04-26T23:56:00.000-07:00

I am 19. I have known I am gay since I was in 3rd grade.

Tragically I am the ONLY person who knows.

I can't come out for about 3 reasons.

1) My family: Christians. They would disown me. They would cry about it every night and "pray the gay away", which is just too painful for me to think about, let alone deal with.

2) My friends: Probably wouldn't disown me. In fact, they probably at least suspect I'm not aaaaaall the way straight. However, if they really knew, things would get a bit weird. Most of them are homophobic, and while my guy friends would love to have a cool lesbian friend, my lady friends would be less than stoked.

Aaaand the third and most important reason:

3) MY BOYFRIEND. Usually this would not be a problem. But we've been going out for almost a year, and he's talking about forever. I love him. My family loves him. My friends love him.

Now I am the happiest with him that I will ever be with a man, I know that for sure.

BUT I'M GAY!